Welcome to those who are stopping in today from the Proverbs 31 devotion. The father-daughter relationship is one that affects every woman – either for good or bad. Scripture has much to say on this subject, and not all of it comfortable to read – especially when you’ve been wounded by the man who should point you to a perfect, loving God – a God who calls Himself Father.
“Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be will with you.”
Ephesians 6: 2-3
Honor, according to Webster’s dictionary is, “a good name or public esteem. A showing of unusual merited respect.” Being an adult does not relieve us of Scripture’s command to honor our mother and father. Yet is a verse we often associate with young children or rebellious teenagers. The truth is that I have struggled with this command more than any other. For many years I didn’t feel as though my father was worthy of honor. It helped me tremendously when I read these words by Dennis Rainey:
“Honoring your parents does not mean endorsing irresponsibility or sin. It is not a denial of what they have done wrong as parents. Honoring your parents means choosing to place great value on your relationship with them…It is an attitude accompanied by actions that say to your parents, ‘You are worthy. You have value. You are the person God sovereignly placed in my life.”
Shortly before my father passed away, I felt God calling me to stand up at his funeral and honor him publicly. I stood before 200 people that day and shared the things that my father had done right. I told of how he loved the word of God and how he imparted that love to me. I told of his compassion for those in society that no one else cared for. I told of his great love for sharing the gospel and I told of his ability to keep a promise. He said, “until death do us part” to my mother and he meant it.
That was the last page in the last chapter of my relationship with my dad. And I didn’t stand in front of those people and lie. I padded nothing. I celebrated the good things about him honestly and freely. I said goodbye to my dad on a Thanksgiving evening and he slipped into eternity hours later. That day has become about far more than turkey for me. It has become a day that I quiet my heart and thank God for the man who gave me life. Each year I try to honor him on that day, if not out loud, then at least in my heart.
Is there a way that you can honor your father today, as an adult, intentionally? Perhaps a phone call. Maybe by offering forgiveness for a past sin. Or it may be as simple as not saying something. Regardless, I challenge you to place your father in that place of honor and experience God’s blessings as a result.
Stay tuned here at the She Reads blog as we discuss the affect of the father-daughter relationship on lives and literature today and tomorrow.
Reading this story has reminded me of how much my father loved me . He was a wonderful man and had many real friends over his life time . He passed away Dec. 23rd . 2005 and there isn’t one day that goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him . He showed his love for me and my mother in everything he did and said . I wish I could see him again but on New Year’s day of 2005 I woke up to see him standing in my bedroom door then he vanishied some times I wake up and look but he’s not there .
Wow!! I had asked God to be as plain as the nose on my face to help me heal the areas of my heart I had hidden from myself. It was as if you were there while my father passed. I too found a gift by honoring my father during his illness. My father divorced my family when I was very young and did not have much to do with us over the years. I mostly kept in contact longing for a relationship. When he became ill it was as if God were leveling the playing field and for the first time I was able to really see, speak and be with my father. We went for a walk one afternoon (he in a wheelchair) and he told me how he had always loved me but was too afraid of rejection to pursue a relationship with my brother and I. I forgave him and felt as if a part of my heart were filled that day. I had waited 42 years for those words. God does love deeply and fully. I am so filled with awe that he loves me like that.
Today’s devotion on the Proverbs 31 Ministries made me cry. Ariel’s words, “What I longed for . . . was not the physical presence of my father. It was what I had never really gotten from him–the feeling or assurance of his love” are my words too. My story is different, however, in that my father was killed tragically one morning, without the opportunity to say anything to him. I was 12. I am now 47 and whether or not he really loved me is a question that still remains unanswered. Oh, how this unanswered question is at the root of so many things in my life. My father, God, is helping me in ways I am not even aware of until I look back on them. I want to encourage you that if you are in doubt of your earthly father’s love, ask before it is too late. Whatever the answer, it is better to know than not. And, if the answer is not what you hoped for, take confidence in knowing that your heavenly Father loves you, always!
This is such an important topic. It fingers and pokes at old wounds and disappointments we’re certain we were never meant to have. Nonetheless, there sits the command — in the middle of the 10 Commandments — with no exceptions or qualifications noted.
Thanks for the devo today, girlfriend, and I look forward to the discussion here this week.
Thank you for this devotion today. I recently lost my Dad very suddenly and I’m still trying to deal with the grief of missing him and the grief of losing his enormous wisdom. Like you, I had a very special, tender moment with him the night before he died. I treasure it and know it was a gift from God.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I am new to P31 and your message spoke to me. I did ask my Father once if he loved me. His answer was, “Of course I am proud of you.” Not exactly what I was looking for but I think the best he could offer. I have often wondered if I honor him. I don’t always make my first stop for holidays his home. I am more like him than I care to admit. He drives past our home each winter on his way to his ‘warm weather address’ and doesn’t stop by. I didn’t go to his side when he had surgery. Though I have forgiven him for his addiction, I have not been able to change my actions and show him that I still desire and want a relationship with him. I feel abandoned by him and so I guess the ‘little girl in me’ wants to have him hurt too. I have a long way to go to live out the command of my Heavenly Father to “Honor my Father and Mother….”
Wow, this is a very sore topic for me as well. My father divorced my mother around 38 years ago. I was around 10 years old. My dad left my mom with 6 kids. There were 5 girls and one boy. My brother was around 12. My father picked and chose his favorites and would only reach out to them. He came to take my sister and I, who were the youngest in the family, once and a while. He really didn’t ever show he cared for us because he hurt us so much. I’ve always felt a big gapping hole in my heart when it comes to feeling loved by my earthly father. I thank God my heavenly father never makes me feel this way. I know I am loved by him and never doubt it.
Today, my father lies in a hospital bed. I got the call last night he had a heart attack. At first I didn’t even feel sad or worried. I feel such an emptiness there. It always stems from feeling that I’m not cared about so why should I care about him? But, Jesus is working on me. I did pray for his protection over my dad. I called him today and told him I loved him and he told me he loved me too. I prayed with him and asked Jesus to hold his hand and protect him. At the end of the day, I want my dad to come to know Jesus as Lord and savior. I want my dad to seek his forgiveness. I wish my dad felt bad for all the hurt he has caused his family but I really don’t think he does. I especially feel bad for my brother who is his only son. He is hurting tremendously for the way my dad continues to treat him as if he doesn’t matter. Please pray that the holy spirit will be merciful today to my dad. He’s having a catherization to see what’s wrong. I believe he is in congestive heart failure and won’t live much longer. He’s 80 years old and God has blessed him with a long life, 6 beautiful children who love him along with 17 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren.
This was a hard lesson to learn for me as well. I had always been close to my earthly father until 12 years ago when he stopped speaking to me. It appeared to be because of something I had done. I tried to mend fences, but he refused to respond. I felt abandoned. I felt that I had always been very compliant and a good daughter. Yet it seemed that when I rocked the boat I was no longer loved. It was very hard not to transfer those feelings to Father God. It has been a long battle, but I know satan is a deceiver and he wants me to believe Gods love is conditional. Recently my father had heart surgery. I was unable to be there due to distance, but I called every day, at first just speaking with my mother. After several days I began to talk with my dad. Though there may be more hurdles to overcome we are speaking again. I hadn’t thought of it before in the context of Ephesians 6, but the quote from Dennis Rainey does put it all together for me. Thank you Father God and for your unconditional love.
I need help! I see my 14 yr old daughter building a bigger, thicker wall around herself every day. Her father (my ex husband) seems to not have much of a desire to be involved in her life. He takes the two kids (also a son, 11) to dinner once a week or so, but other than that makes no attempt at much of a relationship with her. How can I help her overcome this hurt (that she does not even know is there) and stop building the wall around her heart. How can I help her know the love of her Heavenly Father can fill that empty place in her heart?
Beverly
I lost my dad in 1987. I didn’t start healing until he was gone. I really thought I had forgiven him for not loving me and the harm he had inflicted on me. But today I found that I am still carrying the baggage when I read your devo. Thank you.
Ladies, thank you so much for sharing your hearts – the brokenness and the healing. This is an area of so much pain for so many women. Yet I hope you believe me when I say that God is bigger than our pain and He loves His daughters fiercely.
Beverly, I am going to post a number of resources that will help you walk your daughter through the pain she is feeling. Love her. Pray for her. And help her process her sorrow. Her heart is precious to our Father God.
Thank you all for stopping by She Reads, and I hope you’ll book mark us and come back soon. We will stay on this topic for the next few days and explore the pain and the healing that comes in the father-daughter relationship.
Dear Ariel: What a beautiful devotion and tribute to your dad. You give God’s hope and truth here. We always tell our childre that our Heavenly Father loves us perfectly.
My earthly daddy was a lost soul who was swallowed up by an alcohol addiction. At a young age, God graciously gave me mature discernment about my dad’s sin and his aching heart. I loved my daddy deeply. By God’s grace, I did not take my dad’s behavior or his leaving personally, like some children do. God spoke to me when I was first saved in my mid-teens and said “Take your dad’s shackles off your feet and walk with Me. This is your life.” I am so thankful for God’s grace and guidance.
The greatest treasure God ever gave me with my Daddy was a miracle of love. After I accepted Jesus in to my heart, I was bubbling over with His love. Though I knew my parents loved me, it wasn’t ever uttered by my father. Soon after I was saved and I started saying “I love you”, my Daddy started telling us he loved us. It was a miracle. Then God blessed me overwhelmingly one day when my dad said, “Sharon, you taught me to say ‘I love you’.” Still leaves me breathless. I think of the scripture in Isaiah that says “and a little child shall lead them”. What a privilege.
As did you, I honored my dad at his funeral for all the things he did well and right. My three siblings did, too. Really, it was quite amazing. God is good.
I pray when my Daddy passed into eternity that He was met with the arms of Jesus. He memorized scripture as a child, but I saw no evidence of submission to and love for God in his life. He was alone when he passed, which breaks my heart, but I pray that he cried out to his Heavenly Father at that moment, just like the thief on the cross.
Thanks for your sharing your heart so beautifully today. You have me remember my daddy in a special way today.
Warmly,
Sharon
Greetings, It’s funny how God works but I was just praying about this very thing on my way to work this morning. My prayer was that somehow my daughter will have a healthy relationship with her Dad. My husband and I have been married for 20 years, we have a 16 year old daughter together and I am also a step mom to children that he had out of wedlock. I chose to forgive his infidelity and hold on to my marriage. I am not sure if I have done more harm than good. I know my daughter loves her father however I am not sure that she respects him or me for that matter. I am praying that God grants us protection from our faults and that healing is applied to our family.
What a wonderful devotional and discussion! I am sorry for those of you who did not know your earthly father’s love. My situation is a bit different. My father often said he loved us. He showed it too, by spending time with us when he could and supporting my mom’s desire for us to go to Christian schools.
3 years ago, my mother found out that he had been carrying on an affair for the past 20 years. She divorced him within 8 weeks and is happier now. I tried to witness Christ’s love and forgiveness to Dad, only to have him complain about it to my mom. He has since married the other woman and doesn’t have any contact with us, except to drop off gifts to my nephew from time to time. I’ve called him on occasion, but not spent time with him.
I guess my biggest problem is the fact that he snuck around, lying to everyone and betraying my mom for so long. He dishonored the family and had no problem walking his daughters down the aisle at our respective weddings, knowing that he was a cheater.
I try to honor him in my heart, but I am so utterly grateful to have a Heavenly Father who never leaves us or forsakes us or lies to us. I have clung to Psalms 27:10 that promises “When my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up.”
God bless all who struggle with their earthly fathers to know the Father whose love never diminishes and who is true and merciful!
Jennifer
Good afternoon, this devotional really hit home for me. From the time I was born my father denied I was his child. All through my life he’d treated me differently from his other children. Now as an adult I struggle with embracing God’s love and calling Him my Father or Daddy. However I do love God and still believing Him for the healing of rejection so that I can take ownership of His love for me.
Deborah
As I was reading your account or losing your Father, a flood of memories came crashing in on me. I lost my Father in 1993 from Cancer. We had always had a polite relationship, but not really close. I grew up in the 50′s when Fathers were just the breadwinners and didn’t get very involved in the daily activities of the home. I always knew he loved me ,but not until he lay dying did I really connect and feel that love.
I stopped reading the daily devotionals for a while. But today I had a feeling that I needed to read it, it was God… My dad left my mom, brother, and sisters when I was 4 years old, the youngest of all, in 1994. He left my mom with 5 kids. My dad hasn’t been active in my life since and although I don’t have a close relationship with him, I still believe the situation I am in now with my dad couldn’t have been better than it is now. God makes all things to work for the good of the ones who love Him, so for one reason or another God knows why things are the way they are. Like the song, God brings beauty from pain. I love my dad with all of my heart. My dad backslid from God when he left us in 1994. Just like in the Bible when some men brought Jesus their friend and believed that they could heal him and their friend was healed on behalf of his friends’ faith in Jesus Christ, I also believe that God can heal and restore my dad through my faith and your faith in Jesus Christ. Please, pray for him. Thank you Ariel, for your devotional. God bless you.
Thank you for yur devotional today. I was closed this chapter of my life but for some reason God leave this page open and want me to review again. My father was not my hero as a many girls can see . I grew up with fears when he was next to me. when he die all my memories came back I was sure that I forgive him but I was not!! Since I started to feel struggling with too much emotional baggage I decide to find help but still be hard to live without feel that. I know healing is possible but damage is there. I ask our Father in Heaven everyday to healing me for a better pourpose, with practical result. I hope I can give the honor to my father one day without hold anything.
Our relationships here on earth are never easy or pretty and “packaged” like we dream of them being are they? My relationship with my father has had a rough road but the later part has been marked by forgiveness and grace, and love, Praise the Lord! But I know that not all relationships end “pretty.” My father for example, never knew his father and much of his earlier adult life has been characterized by that quest for love and acceptance, like you spoke of Ariel. His last memories of his own dad, whom he hadn’t seen in years, was not of restitution but piles of more intense hurt and feelings of abandonment. I have a few dear friends who have never known their biological dad and may never…
Ariel, I loved your application questions… truly food for thought. Our Heavenly Father, our Abba,because of our Jesus and His incredible sacrifice, is waiting to flood us with His love that no earthly man ever could possibly conceive of doing or being! I know my own journey with my God is one of constant reminder that no one can meet my needs like He can, and the times I am finally at that place of surrender, I can rest in His peace as He makes all the fragmented pieces of me whole.
Thanks again Ariel for your sharing your heart!
I was going to delete this message that appeared in my Encouragement for Today by Crosswalk with out even reading because I just don’t have time to read all my e-mails. But, Someone stopped me. Saturday, I got an e-mail from my sister regarding our father. He has been having medical issues for a few years now and my sister has urged me to go see him, he lives out of state, too far and no money for travel. Dad has the beginnings of Alzheimers now, as well. I have a feeling dad will not be living by this time next year. My parents divorced when I was 8, that was just over 30 years ago. My dad and I never had a good relationship. I blamed him. I missed out on a warm fuzzy family life. Dad could have excelled but… Not abusive. We just were too much alike and could not get along. We were not a church family. I became a Christian at 29. Slowly through prayer and Bible Study, I forgave him. We talk on the phone, but I have not seen him in 10 years. I just feel that it is too late to have the father/daughter relationship, I so crave. I suppose, I am still a bit upset about that. My parents were good enough, just never very encouraging. I was a lonely and unhappy, and discontented child and it has carried over in part to adulthood. I am married to a great man and have 2 great kids and we always praise and encourage our kids. But, I still feel like that miserable child deep down and prayer has not helped. I am trying to think what I would say at my father’s funeral, and I am blank. I have no good memories. I don’t know ofany good character qualities. He was not a righteous man. Plus, his few family members don’t speak. I am saddened at this. But, I needed to hear this message. It gives me something to think about. Dad did take us to se a Chorus Line years ago. We won a ribbon in the father/daughter bake off in grade school. I suppose, that there is one or 2 good memories. Thanks.
Ariel – wow, reading that devotional on Encouragement for Today was amazing. You are a gifted writer; I was caught up in emotion in the first couple sentences. Thank you for such a beautiful devotion today.
~ Sherry
This devotional was an answer to prayer for me! I was having a difficult time the last few days as I remembered my Dad on the anniversary of his death. He died on October 25, 1992 by suicide when I was just 19 years old. I have battled with an empty heart longing for a father/daughter relationship that I never had. He was on the go my entire life and I never knew when I would see him again. Sometimes it would be a year or two before I would hear from him. He was a fun Dad when he was around. I remember playing with him and laughing together. But, there is a major issue of abandonment when you have a father that is not in your life consistently. Being a child of a parent that committed suicide brings its own set of emotions and feelings. There were no goodbyes and no last moments with him. It was difficult for me to accept that he was truly gone because I had not seen him in over a year before his death.
I wanted to thank you personally for writing this devotional today. I am a new Christian when I accepted Jesus as my Savior on January 6, 2008. I had been praying to Abba for the last couple of days to please bring me some peace and comfort as I remembered my Dad. I cried with joy and happiness as I felt my heart being comforted by my Heavenly Father. Thank you.
Ladies, I’m humbled at your vulnerability, and I’ saddened at your pain – a pain I know too well. This discussion reminds of the lyrics to “Be Unto Your Name”
We are the broken, You are the healer
Jesus, Redeemer, Mighty to save
You are the love song we’ll sing forever
Bowing before You, blessing Your name
We are certainly broken, but make no mistake about this: He heals – lives, hearts, and relationships.
I pray that each of you will know the Jesus who heals. That you will bring your broken pieces to Him so you can be mended.
Don’t stray too far away – we will peel back the layers on this issue even more over the coming days.
All is grace,
Ariel
Ariel,
Wow! When I opened up my email this morning I was not expecting to read about my earthly dad. Tons of feelings came flooding back and emotions that I keep pushing away. My dad walked out on my mom and my sister and I when we were very young. I remember the last time seeing him when I was 5 or 6 years old. Throughout the years of growing up I always dreamed that I would go out and find him someday when I grew up. Well that dream was shattered when i was in the 8th grade – we received word that he had died from a heart attack a few weeks back. There was no funeral to attend but he was buried several hours from where I lived. Becuase of my mom’s new husband we were not allowed to travel to the cemetary until I was an adult. These feelings plague me ever so often throughout my life – it is something that I havent been able to shake. After reading everyone’s comments and this morning devotion I believe that this is something that I need to spend some time praying and discussing with God. I am convinced that he can help me heal from this if I just allow him to.
I would also take any advice from any of the ladies that have gone through this and have been able to overcome these feelings.
Thanks for the devotions and thanks for listening this morning!
Amanda
My father passed away in September 2007. I can’t ever recall hearing my father tell me that he loved me. He told me what an embarrassment I was to his family…. And what a failure I was…. And after I had moved out and relocated 1200 miles away, he became less critical, but never apologetic or more loving. He even refused to attend my wedding. And made it impossible for my mother to visit while I underwent surgery for a brain tumor! So I never really understood that there could be love from an earthly father. Then, I watched my husband, and father of my son – and step-father to my daughter (whose real father had deserted her before her birth) – turn vicious and dangerous. He bagan having exra-marital affairs, messing around with pornography and sexually abusing my teenage daughter. This just cemented my distrust and lack of belief of love coming from an earthly father. I still struggle from time to time about being worthy of love, because I’ve been “conditioned” to believe that I’m not worthy…. It’s quite the internal battle! But I know the Lord is stronger than the evil one, and I’m grateful that His Hand is keeping me safe – even from myself! Praise God!
My father was a “50′s” dad and showed very little emotion with his children, especially to his daughters. I’ve never heard him actually say he loved me, however, he was a good provider for his family. When I had my first daughter he was hunting and afterwards found out he used the excuse that he was too tired to come to the hospital to visit me or his first grandchild. That was 24 years ago and I still remember waiting for him and being terribly disappointed that we were not his first priority. With prayer & time the hurt has been pushed to a back burner, and I try not to take the “rock out of my napsack” too often.
Thank you for this devotion. It makes me realize how fortunate I am that I still have time to try to build a better relationship before it is too late.
HE will never leave me nor forsake me….Those are the words that give me comfort…Thank you for this subject…My mother left my father on my first birthday…they were both very immature…and I never really got to know him until I was an adult…I have hungered for his love all my life and still do, but I am so very thankful for the unending love of my Father in heaven…My father was a man who was good to those he loved…I was never part of that..being raised far from him, only got to see him occasionally as a teen and once in a while as an adult..those times were precious to me..but there was always a line I could not cross…He made his life with his second family and I was an after thought…but only when I made the contact…This is very hard for me..I am a 63 yr. old woman who raised two sons on my own while working full time at a very hard job…Having a caring father would have been a very welcome gift to me….I have been blessed to have two wonderful grown sons and family that is so wonderful to me, but the absence of Father in my life had definately affected me…..I would have gone to the ends of the world for him if he asked..but he never did….My only hope is to see him again in heaven..I hope he is there…In the meantime, my Heavenly Father is always there for me..and I thank you very much for this forum…
My father left when I was 3. I looked for him for years. Found him at 22. I called, he was not interested in meeting me. He died of heart disease at 54. I’ m 54 now battling heart disease. I struggled for many years seeking and trying to accept God ‘s love. I know He loves me now, staying in the Word daily is key. Amazing how many are suffering from this abandonment or neglect. God help us love one another.
i can’t tell you what a huge blessing your devotion was to me. i have been having a particurally hard few days trying to cope with why God has given me the family I have when all I long for is the love and comfort that only a mother or father can give. i grew up with a very critical, overbearing mother whose words still to this day sting with bitterness. my mother makes it very hard for my father and i to talk. my mother threw a fit about my father walking me down the aisle and neither of my parents ended up coming to my wedding. its been a over a year since i married and i rarely speak to them. i have a wonderful husband who loves me more than I deserve, and more importantly he loves Jesus. i struggle everyday with not allowing my relationship with my parents to affect my walk with God and my marriage, but it is so hard. feelings of inadequacy are constantly at the back of my mind. after reading comments by other women i realized i am not alone in this struggle. Jesus is refining us through this challenge to be stronger and wiser. my husband came from a hard family background as well and reminds me that together we will start a new God centered legacy with our family.
I’m the exception in this posts’ comments since although my parents were never married, my father took the high-road and acknowledged me as his first (and for some years after he married) only child. I think in retrospect I MADE him love me – I just wouldn’t be denied! My mom was the problem, apparently she took his rejection of her out on me. She and I spent my childhood and most of my young adult life bumping heads. Funny though, because out of her 3 children (I’m the only one she and my father had together) I’m the one that takes care of her/her needs now that she’s in a nursing home w/dementia. Somehow, I always knew it would come to this and God spent a great deal of time preparing me for it.